Forgetfulness and Friends

I keep forgetting that just 3 weeks ago my husband & I went through something very traumatic. I don't forget that we lost a child I just forget that it was only 3 weeks ago. I forget that we are grieving and I forget that my life does not need to be normal yet. I forget that it's ok if my house is not clean and that my dishes and laundry are piling up and that I just want to wear sweats all the time. I forget that I need to rest. I forget that it's ok to rest. I forget that it's ok to have off days. I forget to let myself have off days. I forget that it's ok not to cook dinner and that its ok to cry and cry often.

When we were in the emergency room 3 weeks ago a nurse came in to speak to us about what was happening and she said that for most pregnant women they get on the roller coaster & get off at the end of the pregnancy with their baby in their arms. I was thrown off the roller coaster. The car I was riding in derailed. My hormones are relentless and I am so confused.

You know the television commercials that show a girl standing in the middle of a crowd & they fast forward the crowd but she remains still? That is how I'm feeling. Everyone has continued on with their everyday tasks & I'm sitting there watching it all move around me without any sense of purpose or direction.

I do not expect anyone to drop their lives to console me but at the same time people have stopped talking to me...friends talk to other friends about me but not to me. I need you all more than ever and if we really are friends then you should know that I need you and that you can direct your questions to me.

The last couple of days I feel like I'm being left behind because people don't know what to say to me. Here's a tip...say what you would have said before! I desperately need that "normal" in my life right now. Especially because the last few days I can't tell up from down.

A friend told me that from her experience people will be coming out of the woodwork to offer condolences and share their stories to let me know that I'm not alone and to offer support. I have found the opposite to be true in my case. In fact less people talk to me now than before. And this may sound pathetic but I've learned that I need to tell people what I want and need from them.

Don't misunderstand either people are there for me and I am so grateful for them. I am just hurt by the ones that have backed away. Being on another continent from all of my family and most of my friends doesn't help either.

Please don't be afraid to say anything to me and please remember that as hard as it is for you it's just that hard for me too plus some.


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